I'm OK with "OK"

I hate countdowns, and yet there’s no other way to describe this last week. Every morning brings me one day closer to the inevitable. I’m lucky that the weather is beautiful and I am home from work this week, making it hard to wallow in self pity. I’m trying to get out of the house as much as I can since I may be stuck inside during the most beautiful part of the summer. Right now I’m at a coffee house blocks from where I live, just because I didn’t want to drink coffee and type this at home. Plus there are no chocolate croissants at home, and I just had to have one this morning.

So far I’ve been sleeping at night and I’m able to eat. When I’m anxious about something I have trouble with both of these functions. I’ve had intestinal issues but I’m not sure if those are caused by nerves or the abundance of iron I’ve been taking as prescribed. I haven’t had any memorable pre-surgery nightmares yet. In fact, I’ve been sleeping better and more than usual, which is strange. Perhaps my body is preparing itself.

People have been a bit too cheery around me at times, which I’ve found mildly annoying, but I realize that’s all par for the course. Everyone keeps telling me that I’ll “be OK.” Science can make almost anything OK nowadays. We’ve come to expect that modern medicine has a quick fix for everything. Feeling out of sorts? Pop an anti-depressant. Aches and pains? A bionic joint will fix you right up. Even previously fatal diseases such as cancer and HIV can now be treated with varying degrees of success. People are accustomed to seeing their ailing friends back in action quickly after medical interventions.

In the scheme of health care, I know that my malady and its correction are pretty minor things because hip dysplasia is life changing, but not life threatening. I will live through this. But it’s a longer recovery than most orthopedic procedures. It’s a rare enough condition that my spell checker doesn’t even recognize it. The surgery to correct it is so rare that my primary care provider, and many orthopedic surgeons, have never heard of it.

So most people don’t have any idea what this surgery entails. They envision me bouncing back quickly and feeling no pain; back to my old activities with no reminders of my problem. In reality, I know that the recovery period for this surgery is approximately two years, and I need two surgeries. Even if I do the second one as quickly as possible (six months after the first), my total recovery time will then be two and a half years. A time during which I will experience pain, frustration, and limitations on my activities. As soon as I’m somewhat recovered from the first PAO, I’ll undergo the second, and my crutches, walker and cane will reappear on the scene. My co-workers will again have to pick up the slack for me while I’m out of the office, and they may not be as happy to shoulder the burden a second time. Even after a full recovery, I’ll still be limited from certain activities for the rest of my life, and it’s likely I’ll still have some (manageable) hip pain. It doesn’t sound much like bouncing back, and it isn’t the wonderful recovery people are expecting. It’s hard for casual friends and acquaintances to be supportive for that long.

Upon reflection, I’ve realized that “you’ll be OK” is exactly what I might say to someone facing surgery too. It marries concern with optimism and, I suppose, depending on how you define “OK,” it is likely true. This surgery and the recovery afterward will contain awful parts and good parts and I’ll probably experience both discouragement and progress in a single day. In the end, however, I know it will all be OK.

Staying The Course

(Thanks to LS)
Staying The Course
by BJ Gallagher

Our journey of life is about progress,
not perfection.
It's not about doing one thing
100% better -
it's a matter of doing 100 things,
1% better each day.
Progress is evolutionary
not revolutionary,
and most days we measure our progress
in inches,
not miles.
What matters most
is showing up for your life
whether you feel like it
or not.
Ask yourself,
"What two or three little things
can I do today
that would move me forward?"
You'll be amazed
at how much distance
you can cover
by taking it in increments.
The little things add up;
the inches turn to miles;
and we string together our efforts
like so many pearls.
Before long,
look what you have -
a whole strand!
Ah... beautiful.

Out Standing

I judged and refereed at a local skating competition yesterday. Judging was OK because I could sit, and the events weren't very long so I was able to get up and move around in between. But while ref'ing I had to stand for fairly long periods of time. My hips got very angry about that, to the point of hurting most of the day today.

I am supposed to be chief referee at a competition in another state 10 weeks or so after surgery. I have been reading on the Hipwomen list that traveling alone on a plane 10 weeks after surgery is probably going to be a Very Big Deal. Then to chief a multi-day competition after the plane ride/airport-to-hotel journey may be a bit ... much.

I really thought that after 10 weeks I'd be feeling great and able to resume such activities. But now I'm thinking, Not So Much. Even if I have the perfect recovery (not likely at my age, which for this type of surgery is advanced) it's going to be a major endeavor featuring muscle relaxants and walking aids and wheelchairs and fatigue and annoyance and mostly lots of pain.

I can still back out, but this is sort of an important competition to chief since it's supposed to lead to a referee's appointment, something I've been saying I was going to do for about 6 years. But obviously the timing stinks. I hadn't foreseen hip dysplasia in my future last year when I was setting goals for myself.

I also have said I'd be back at work in 6 weeks, because I only have 12 weeks FMLA on a rolling yearly basis and so need 6 for each surgery. But now I'm thinking that's not going to be possible either. It's a total shift in my thinking, but I realize this recovery is going to be longer and more difficult than I've let myself believe until now.

Outstanding.