It's the standing, stupid

While working out last night, I was reminded of my lifelong disgust with myself for never being able to “get fit.” No matter how much I worked out, it seemed my leg muscles would never get used to exercise and my legs always tired quickly and started to ache.

When I lived in Colorado, in my 30’s, I walked 3 to 5 miles every day in my hilly neighborhood. Since I lived on a mountain this was also a way to see wildlife and enjoy the outdoors. I was already athletic so walking seemed easy in some ways – I didn’t get out of breath – but my legs hurt while I was walking and after. So I figured I needed to just keep walking and over time my muscles would build up to the task and the pain would stop.

I walked for 4 years, after buying the latest in cushioned walking shoes, and I walked on dirt trails which I realize now were softer and better for my hips than concrete, but my “muscles” never stopped hurting. The same thing happened if I went to an aerobics class, or did any kind of high impact cardio training. I cursed myself for being such a weenie and just did it anyway. I trained harder, hoping that would do it. I always wondered why everyone else was in better shape (meaning able to walk just fine) without even trying.

When I started skating again I had the same achy leg issues, but put them firmly in the back of my mind. It always bothered me that despite all of that exercise it never got better and I was still “out of shape.” When I tested or competed I had to be very careful not to warm up much so that my legs wouldn’t be “dead” by the time I performed. It was hard for me to reconcile that I just didn’t have any stamina in my legs, although my lungs were fine. I learned how to conserve my energy for when it was needed.

Last night I was doing some standing leg exercises. The leg doing the weight lifting was fine. But the leg I was standing on, putting all my weight on in fact, instantly had that same “muscle” pain and tiredness I used to get. I realize now based on the location of the pain that it wasn’t my muscles that were aching at all. It was my femur bone slamming into my acetabulum that was causing the pain, because my acetabulum doesn’t cover the femur properly. So, all my life, all of my weight has been borne by a very small part of the bone. No amount of training was going to make that pain go away. I just trained myself to ignore it.

I am glad the mystery is solved. It will be nice to some day be able to stand on my leg and have the weight of my body correctly distributed over a larger surface area so I won’t have that aching tired sensation. When both surgeries/recoveries are over I’ll be almost 50 years old, and if all goes well I may just be able to stand and walk normally for the first time in my life.

End of season

Tim and I decided today not to compete in April. The deadline for entries is tomorrow, and so now was the time for such a decision. It's actually not my hips that are causing this decision, but Tim has also been quite sick. Our decision actually has more to do with his health than mine, since he faces a long recovery period to get his strength back. I face a downhill slide with decreasing abilities, followed by surgery, followed by a long and painful recovery. Times two of course. But right now I still feel OK to skate 2 compulsories and a free dance.

It's the right decision for us and in some ways I'm relieved, because I had no way of knowing when my decline might become overwhelming, forcing us to drop out. Better to do so now before costumes are sewn, plane tickets are purchased, and our competition relies on us to be there.

We sat out last year due to Tim's severed achilles. We'll sit out this year. And we'll sit out next year because of my hip surgeries. Some teams would look at this track record and simply retire, but we really love skating as a team too much to consider doing that. I could find no better ice dancing partner. Our first and only competitive season was just a beginning, and we're not ready for an end yet. We feel like we have not yet had the chance to show what we can really do. So while I can't promise we'll be back, I know we'll make every attempt to do so.

Motivation

I skated by myself today because Tim is sick. I have found the perfect piece of music to use for solo interpretive. It is sad, yet hopeful, reflecting my mood of late.

I have been toying with this music for some time now, doing a bit of choreography each time I skate by myself. I'm to the point where I feel it would really convey the emotions I'm feeling, and I'm tempted to enter the interpretive event at Nationals in April. But I know that it's going to take every bit of my mental and physical energy and focus to compete in the gold dance event with Tim, and that's my first priority.

I've gone back and forth in my mind - "compete in interpretive" ... "don't compete in interpretive" - and with the deadline for entries being next week, it's forced a decision. As much as I want to do it, I am not going to enter the event. I think I'll save this music and this choreography to do after I've had both of my surgeries and recovered.

I realize that for various reasons, it may never happen. But it does give me something to plan for and perhaps will provide some post-surgerical motivation when I'm hating my physical therapist and rebelling against another lap in the pool.

We'll all have to be patient, but if all goes as planned I'll debut the progam in April of 2011. Please mark your calendars.

Pity the runners

I pity anyone who has hip dysplasia and runs. I am not a runner myself - I never liked to run, and never was any good at it, and now with chronic hip issues I will probably never run another step in my life. But I know that runners are just as committed to running as skaters are to skating. It becomes more than a form of exercise, but a way of life. Similar to skaters, runners also socialize with other runners and find it to be great stress relief and escape from the daily grind. So it would be very painful emotionally to give up running.

Skating can be high impact if one does freestyle. The constant jump landings put pressure on the hip joint as well as the knees, ankles and back. I skated freestyle as a kid (heaven knows how I was able to do so with these wonky hips), but now I ice dance. While ice dancing is athletically rigorous in ways that aren't apparent to the casual observer, it has a much lower impact on the hips than freestyle skating or running. So, while I have been told ice dancing is a no-no for me, I justify it as part of my existence because I consider it "low impact" and it hurts me less than walking.

If I were a runner I would not have that option. Recently several posters on the Hipwomen Yahoo Group have talked about how difficult it is to give up running. I can absolutely relate. I am afraid that for those gals, giving up running will be permanent, even after successful surgery. It's just too risky to put an already compromised hip back into a high impact environment. I know that some of them do run again post PAO, but it's rare.

I am prepared to retire from ice dancing post PAO if I'm unable to get my strength, balance, and/or range of motion back. Some or all of these outcomes are possible. I am hopeful that with enough hard work in the gym and a good physical therapist I'll be able to get back on the ice post PAO. I have given it a lot of thought ... what will I do to replace skating if that occurs? What other activity that I could possibly do post PAO combines movement and music and speed and grace and working with a partner? Or even a subset of the above? I don't have an answer yet.

My heart goes out to the poor runners, who almost certainly must find something else to replace their activity of choice. There is nothing I can say, other than that I feel their pain, with every step I take.

New Year

Perry and Blue say, "happy new year!"

As we bid farewell to 2008 and welcome 2009, I am in the kitchen baking a marzipan cake for the new year (a family tradition).

In my two blogs I've focused on skating and hip issues, with the occasional toilet discussion thrown in for good measure. I haven't talked in detail about my family, politics, the economy, or a number of other important issues. It's not that I don't care about those things, it's just that the purpose of these blogs is fairly narrow. But on new year's eve I feel justified in branching out a bit.

Family: Our parents are in good health and we see them often. My sister and brother-in-law live close by. Perry's boys, my stepsons, are doing well. Aaron is a senior in high school and busily applying to college. Isaac is a freshman in high school and busy with many activities. My stepdaughters are also doing well; Melanie is married and living on the east coast while Ashley is in Ft. Collins in the pre-veterinary program at CSU. I'm proud of all the kids and I know they will all be successful in their many endeavors.

Perry has been supportive of my skating, hip issues, and life in general. As he will readily admit, I can be "high maintenance," but he puts up with my shit and I try hard not to give him too much of it. We still enjoy each other's company after 5 years, and I couldn't ask for a better husband.

Friends: I am grateful for having so many of you in my life. Those of you I count on the most -- Kianoosh, Larry, Linda M, Mary, Marilu and Tim --- I couldn't ask for better friends. Through Facebook I've reconnected with people from high school and beyond which has been fun and enlightening. I'm not generally good at "keeping in touch" so I really am thankful for Facebook, even though it can be a time waster.

Home: We've put our renovation on hold for now. Until I know the status of the insurance payments for my upcoming surgeries, I really can't justify spending money on a new kitchen and guest bath. It's frustrating, since we really wanted to get this house done this year. The kitchen and bathroom are functional but ugly, so there are worse fates, but I can say that if the insurance comes through, we'll be renovating next year, to be followed by a big party. If the insurance doesn't come through I think we will still have the party anyway.

Pets: 2008 brought our family sorrow and happiness. We lost our faithful and beloved 18-year-old feline companion, Toulouse, exactly one year ago today. Miss Blue, an abandoned cat who we noticed hanging around our yard, moved in to the house on thanksgiving and has quickly become a member of the family.

Blogs: Thank you all for reading, and for commenting. Blog readers include friends, family, fellow ice dancers and fellow hip chicks. In 2009 I'll continue to report on the good, the bad, and the ugly as I see it. I hope readers continue to find this blog informative and entertaining.

Be safe, be healthy, be happy ... hug your loved ones ...and don't drink and drive!

Terri

More gear

You'd think I was having surgery tomorrow by the way I am stocking up. This is what happens when you combine strong project management skills, a controlling personality, and after-Christmas sales. It's just too much for me to resist.

So over the weekend I bought a few things, including a teakwood shower stool for the inevitable seated showers, some non-slip socks, a new duvet cover (I will be spending a lot of time in bed, come on), and some posh new jammies (for all that time lounging in bed).

The shower stool is from Smith & Hawken and it's a nice looking addition to our newly-renovated master bathroom, if I do say so myself. I looked at all the plastic and metal versions and just couldn't stomach the thought of spending approximately the same amount of money for something that is so butt ugly. I've heard that I should get a shower chair with a back, and mine doesn't have one, but I can lean against the shower wall. OK, probably not the most practical and I may regret it, but I promise to get a proper plastic raised toilet seat when the time comes. I don't think Smith & Hawken makes one anyway.

I guess I should try the shower stool out, but how will I simulate the experience of being post-PAO? I can't get my hands on narcotics without breaking the law, but I suppose I can get rip roaring drunk on New Year's eve, immobilize my leg somehow, and see how it goes. I could probably sell tickets as well - standing room only! I can fit about 6 people around my glass-walled shower stall. Tickets will be expensive because I am trying to finance two surgeries; stay tuned for details.

Meanwhile, another hip chick has posted this fab link on her site:

http://www.fashionablecanes.com

While I have yet to purchase anything I am very tempted. This site is also a good resource on how to correctly size a cane and how to walk with one for those who are new to this hip thing. Yes, it's sad that we young dysplastics all eventually become such experts in geriatric devices like shower chairs, raised toilet seats, walkers and canes.

In fact, I have noticed that most adult-aged diagnoses occur either in the 29/30 age range (how many blogs have I read where people were just about to turn 30 either on their diagnosis day or right before or after surgery?) or, for us late bloomers, at 45. I haven't read any blogs that talk about a diagnosis at age 37 or age 41. It always seems to be 29/30 or 45. Interesting.

(I'm sure I am going to get a bunch of comments from those diagnosed at 26-and-a-half, and 48, and 39 ... I know you're out there as this was not a scientific study, just my recollection after reading a lot of blogs and posts on the Yahoo list. I'm just saying.)

Explain to me again how this is saving water?

I have lost about 5 pounds in the past couple of weeks. I attribute this to loss of muscle, mostly because I can't exercise as much as usual. I haven't had such a dramatic weight change since losing 190 pounds of unsightly fat back in 2003, when I divorced my first husband. But I digress.

In an attempt to be as healthy as possible pre-surgery, I've been eating sensibly and drinking a lot of water as well. All of that water has to go somewhere, and so I've spent some quality time in the restroom lately. And that leads me to today's topic.

The concept of a toilet which flushes automatically intrigues me. You know what I'm talking about, right? You don't have to flush these beauties because they take care of the dirty work for you. I am not exactly sure what the point is though. It may have something to do with hygiene, perhaps, since not having to touch that disgusting handle is a major step in the right direction. But clearly there must be a cost to installing them, and thus there must be a cost savings involved, or else entities like airports wouldn't bother.

We all know that, in public, people often "forget" to flush, causing major backlogs and grossouts in the stalls. Perhaps the cleaning crew charges overtime for this, and the cost savings come into play there.

Nah, I don't buy that.

Maybe these toilets save water in a way that I'm just not understanding. Although even if they worked as designed, it seems they'd use more water than the old fashioned commodes because they flush every time, whereas we know that people don't flush every time when they have to do it themselves.

Problem is, these toilets don't work as designed. Nope. In fact, my theory is that the airport gets a kickback from the water department for every one of these uber toilets it installs, since they use FAR MORE water than a normal toilet. Variations of the following scenario have happened to me more than once, most recently during my trip to Lake Placid.

I hobble through the airport with my carry on and large puffy down coat, and find myself in need of a pit stop. After walking past about 20 gates I see the ladies room ahead of me and duck inside. I stuff myself into the tiny stall and come face to face with one of the newfangled toilets.

Since I am wearing a long coat, I take it off and hang it on the hook in front of me, but as I do that the movement of the coat evidently sets off the motion detector and ... fluuuuuush ... goes the toilet. A few drops of water end up on the seat. I hang up my cane and put my bag on the little shelf, and oops, the sensor is tripped again. FLUUUUUUUSSSSSHHHH!!!

More water gets on the seat of course, so I turn around and wipe it off with some toilet paper. Of course you all know what happens next, because this too sets off the motion detector and yet again, the toilet flushes.

I pull out one of those sanitary toilet covers and place it on the seat, carefully so as not to ... oh hell, of course you have already guessed that this sets off the motion detector and the toilet flushes, pulling half of the sanitary toilet cover into the bowl.

I am annoyed now and realize it's time to just do my business and get the f*** out of there. I step as far away from the bowl as possible so as not to set anything off, and carefully, slowly, holding my breath, unzip and de-pants myself in preparation for sitting down. I slowly back up toward the toilet, and I'm just about to sit when ...

FLUUUUUUUSSSSSSHHHHHH goes the toilet, throwing up more drops of water. I slam myself down and "go" as quickly as possible, praying that I won't be flushed on in mid-pee. Thankfully I make it, stand up, zip up, and gather my belongings while waiting for the inevitable final flush. Silence.

I move around, waving my bag toward the sensor, and shuffle my feet a bit. No flush. I do a little dance in the stall, shimmying as close to the sensor as possible in order to set off the flush response. Silence.

I stare at the toilet, realizing that I am now required to push the little red button hovering over the bowl. This means that the hygiene benefit of the automatic toilet is lost on me, along with whatever water saving functionality this monster is supposed to provide. Sigh. I lean forward and push the button. Nothing. Evidently I've exceeded the maximum number of flushes or something and the damn thing is now taking a "break."

Sheepishly I exit the stall, hoping the next occupant doesn't think I'm some sort of pig who doesn't bother to flush. No such luck, the woman waiting next in line sees the situation and gives me a dirty look as we pass one another. There's no point explaining of course. She'll find out the disturbing truth soon enough.

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(Post Script: Turns out you can buy one for your own home!
http://www.itouchless.com/share/cgi-bin/site.cgi?site_id=itouchless&page_id=sensorflush)